Mishelanu Spurs Innovation In Strange Places

What is Mishelanu? They’re the regulars you always see at the AEPi chapter house. They’re the Hebrew speakers at Chabad, who not even Rabbi Gershon can keep up with. They’re the Jewish community’s version of the Plastics. But, a long long time ago, Mishelanu was open and available to any schmuck with Stein in their last name, regardless of ethnicity or country of origin. Now, Mishelanu has become the – possibly – most exclusive club on campus, spurring other groups to try their hand at cultural unity. Thus, the Schmoozers, a newly created in-club for any and all Ashkenazim, was born.

But first, what led to Mishelanu’s sudden exclusivity? The story goes that past president Eman Bareket returned from a Mishelanu camping trip, stating “Man, f*** this s***! Someone got mad at me for speaking Hebrew yesterday. Mishelanu is all Israeli now.” This sentiment was carried on by current co-presidents Corelle Gabay and Ilai Tamari. “If I had a dollar for every time someone has approached me to say that Mishelanu is a cult, I’d have free Yetz’ Bagels till graduation,” says Corelle. The feeling was NOT shared by many Ashkenazim, such as Max Cohn, who believes that “Mishelanu admission should not be judged by the strength of [one’s] love for shawarma, but by [one’s] love for their grandmother.”

In response to this public outcry, Morgan Guttman and David Bogdonavic created Shmoozers: a Mishelanu ‘equivalent’ for the oppressed white minority in the Jewish community. Best known for being the first female to win Mr. NJB, Morgan “wanted to have a space for Ashkenazi Jews to socialize and feel like they belong.” This is certainly not the case when two individuals at Hillel start smack-talking you to your face in Hebrew. Her dismay was shared by co-founder David Bogdonavic, a self-identified believer that if you “follow every girl named Sarah from the valley on Instagram… all it takes is one.” From this passion sparked the ever-growing Schmoozers.

How do these clubs differ from one another? It starts in the admission process. Instead of needing to speak Hebrew, like in Mishelanu, the Schmoozers require you to recite every Shabbat prayer with a poorly pronounced ר. No more silly need to have Israeli descent either! All you need to do is name five mutual connections you have with every member through Jewish sleepaway camp. “I always thought ‘Israeli’ was an adjective given to the overly tough counselor who loves to flirt with everyone. Had no idea it was an actual place,” remarked David. Finally, the Schmoozers abandoned the preliminary stipulation of needing to chain-smoke cigarettes, opting for stoners instead… but not actual stoners cause they can quit anytime they want and marijuana is actually so much better for you than nicotine and alcohol so really everyone should start smoking weed and get off their back already! “With regards to the stoner requirement, I make no official statement” - Morgan.

Besides their one-shared love for organization-sponsored coffee chats, events also differ greatly between the two clubs. Whereas Mishelanu uses their study nights at Hillel as another means to socialize, the Schmoozers set strict ‘work hours’, interrupting them only to kvetch about how cold it is in the room or leave for constant bathroom visits. Instead of hosting physically active game nights, where members are wrapped like mummies and smacked by dodgeballs, the Schmoozers have a different approach. As David put it, unprompted, “[they] treat the search for the Afikomen like it’s [they’re] Super Bowl.” Our team of correspondents believes they might actively search for matzah to eat, even when it isn’t Passover. Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the infamous Israeli 

vs. Persian cook-off, which the Ashkenazim will also enter into. “I’m not worried about the Schmoozers. I just hope we have enough salt for whatever dish they’re preparing - Ilai.”

Neither club would be complete without their kickbacks! When attending Mishelanu’s parties, you can expect to hear the same, recycled Omer Adam, Eyal Golan, and Dana International songs, while Corelle and Ilai scream at each other over the music. “Ilai and I yell at each other like an old Israeli aunt and uncle,” claims Corelle. This sentiment is shared by active member Yael Pasternak, who stated “I don’t think half of the people who want to join Mishelanu are ready to see Ilai try and round up 20 Israelis, only to complete an elementary school level activity.” Add in a wide selection of 20 different Bamba flavors, chased with Arak and Tubi, and you understand the vibe that Mishelanu is going for.

On the other hand, the Schmoozers prefer the rhythmic stylings of the Maccabeats, perfectly harmonized Miami Boys Choir, and infamous Jewish singer/songwriter Dan Nichols! In addition to serving their cracker of origin – the Lays Chip – they offer Manischewitz, almost entirely watered down with Kedem Grape Juice for sensitive stomachs. According to Morgan, “most of [them] are lactose intolerant… also vegan, gluten-free, and food free.” Notice she didn’t mention kosher.

The Schmoozers excitedly took a stab at their very own version of the Mishelanu camping trip: an annual vacation that has spurred drama in the Jewish community for years. Instead of partaking in pretend Mossad trainings, like Mishelanu, they played pickup ultimate frisbee games, stopping every five minutes for water breaks. Mishelanu also loves to put their Tzofim experience to good use by hand-making fires, hunting and gathering, and tying knots of various sizes, or as they call it, P.O.W. practice! The Schmoozers used this time to practice their talents for the newly degendered NJB competition. And they don’t waste their time with regrettable, one-and-done hookups like Mishelanu. What they engaged in could only be properly described as an orgy. Author’s Note: Those youth group cultists are freaks in the sheets.

The need for the Schmoozers is still widely controversial, with alumni like Tom Hirshfeld weighing in on the issue: “It isn’t that Mishelanu members can’t be Ashkenazi, it’s that these dumbf*** American Jews can’t be Israeli. That’s not how ethnicity works.” Still, membership is booming, with 20 active participants, and 100 different sorority girls each time who mistook it for a community service event.

The Schmoozers have asked us to relay the following mission statements on a wide variety of issues…

Official Statement on Mishelanu

“We have absolutely no problems with Mishelanu! They’re, how do you say, Achim and… what the hell is sister in Hebrew?”

Official Statement on the Middle East

“We just want everyone to get along, stop being so violent, and be themselves!”

 Official Statement on the IDF

“It’s such a great thing for young people! Every country, that we don’t live in, should have their own IDF!”

Official Statement on Keeping Kosher and Shabbat

(Still heavily debated between the Modern Orthodox, the New-Age Reform, and the Uncaring Conservatives)

Official Statement on the Persians

We love the Persians! We still keep in touch with all of our friends from Beverly Hills!

Official Statement FROM the Persians

We have no clue who half these people are. They all blend together.

If you’re interested in joining the Schmoozers, you can catch most of their members at Eman and Ilai’s weekly Hebrew class, in a last-ditch effort to join Mishelanu!