Local Jewish men pine for non-Jewish women after release of Netflix’s ‘Nobody Wants This’

After a joyous start to the new year and a meaningful fast, UCSB students have returned to what they do best: sinning, in preparation for next year’s atonement. Unfortunately, for kvetching mothers across the country, their little boys have succumbed to the radical, traitorous conclusion that they don’t need to date Jewish. This is because of Netflix’s hit-new series Nobody Wants This, which follows “an agnostic sex podcaster [Kristen Bell] and a newly single Rabbi [Adam Brody] who fall in love, discovering if their relationship can survive their wildly different lives and meddling families.” A Rabbi dating a sex podcaster? Nothing has ever resonated more with the esteemed gentlemen of the Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity.

AEPi President and known MILF Appreciator, Imman Bareket, has this to say about the shocking phenomenon: “I’m a serious guy, so I don’t wanna say I can see where they’re coming from, but like, I see where they’re coming from.” However, not every member of AEPi is as open-minded about this sudden change in the status quo. Resident Jew and keeper of Shabbat, Mr. Jake Nguyen, gave his thoughts, following AEPi’s recent Halloween party: “I pray to Hashem that this ‘trend’ ends immediately. At this rate, these women are stealing more seed than the Jewish right hand.” Certainly some cutting remarks, but our team of correspondents would be remiss not to mention that Jake had only just heard about the Netflix series, as he’d been keeping Chag for the entire month prior. Finally, newly active freshman in the Jewish community, Xander Love, had this to say in response to his non-Jewish girlfriend’s mother asking what a ‘Shiksa’ even was: “Uhhhhhhh…”

When interviewing non-Jewish women at the AEPi party, their thought process was more along the lines of “Wait, this is the Jewish frat?” and “I think the pres knows my Mom.” Shockingly, even the women in the Jewish community seem at peace with this shocking new phenomenon. “As someone who’s been trying to hold the attention of any AEPi man for over 3 years, I was first personally offended by this craze,” claims bisexual icon and sort-of student, Sigal Kozolchyk. “But then I realized, B’’H, more Jewish woman tuchuses for me!” It would appear that everyone in the community is in their own phase of exploration. 

At this time, our team of correspondents have not received an official statement from any Santa Barbara clergy, as they’ve been busy consulting the Talmud for Hashem’s stance on the series. However, given recent responses from Rabbis around the world, we feel confident in predicting their layered, multi-faceted response to this delicate subject: “Mixed.”

What does the future of Jewish love hold at UCSB? Are hungover Minyan flings a thing of the past? Will flirting at Schmear and Schmooze become frowned upon? These are certainly turbulent times, but rest assured, there’s no way anything could get messier, especially with Simchat Torah right around the corner. Right?