Chancellor Yang and His Journey Into Judaism

For legal reasons, this is all a joke

           Most students are aware of Henry Yang’s upcoming retirement from the role of chancellor, set to take place at the end of this academic school year. However, many are clueless about another major life transition of his… into Judaism! For the last year, Henry Yang has undergone a full reform Jewish conversion, headed by Hillel’s very own Rabbi Maddy Anderson. We’ve compiled a detailed account into this process…

Like many that came before him, Henry Yang was denied three times before being granted permission to start the conversion process. The first left him devastated, causing him to completely shift focus to another project: constructing the ultra-controversial Munger Hall. Sources say that the building’s lack of windows was a reflection of Yang’s inner turmoil, having been denied his ‘window’ into Jewish life. The second left him disappointed, occasionally causing his mind to drift while driving. The third, however, gave him the discipline to take it on the nose, resulting in a successful next attempt. He was ready to begin the conversion process!

Most converts begin with an Introduction to Judaism class. However, since Hillel was not currently offering one at the time, Rabbi Maddy gave him a spot in her Jewish Learning Fellows class, “exploring the ways Jewish teachings and traditions give voice to and guide our modern lives.” Throughout this course, Yang was said to have engaged in lengthy debates with Malcolm Brabec about the dangers of communal isolation, and whether or not it feeds into modern day antisemitism. Malcolm stated that “Henry, in [his] opinion, took the saying ‘two Jews three opinions’ to heart.”

Next, Yang began to immerse himself in various Jewish ways of living, beginning first, of course, with food. He attempted to make latkes, but they crumbled in his hands when he tried to take a bite. He held up the line at Yetz’s Bagels for an hour, unable to decide what kind of schmear would pair best with his lox. He forced himself to try gefilte fish, vomiting it back onto the plate immediately.

Hillel services became a regular part of Yang’s life as well. For the first few, he wasn’t aware that Jews read from back to front, making him greatly confused the entire time. This confusion did not subside, as even when he was on the right page, he didn’t understand a lick of hebrew. He also came to the realization that he’d been mistakenly attending Chabad’s Minyan instead of Hillel’s services. B’’H, as he was often the 10th needed member. Eventually, Yang grew confident in the prayers, giving him a hankering to service lead. Fellow service leader, Abby Eiselman, had this to say: “Yeah, he didn’t really know, like, any of the words. Or the guitar chords. But he hummed the majority of the melodies perfectly!”

Yang also began to keep up with many Jewish traditions, both religious and secular. He attended a Congregation B’nai B’rith Bar Mitzvah, where he drank far too many shirley temples and didn’t remember getting the Henna tattoo on his left ass cheek. On Rosh Hashanah, he threw an entire loaf of bread off of the eroding IV cliffs, unaware you’re supposed to rip off a piece for each sin. During Passover seder, he ate an egregious amount of horseradish, giving him second degree burns in the back of his throat. And yet, surprisingly, he lit all eight Hanukkah candles perfectly, without a hitch. He didn’t even need to be told what to do or what prayers to say, he just figured that shit out off cuff. It was wild. 

Finally, it was time for his Beit Din – a test from a panel of Rabbis on the convert’s knowledge of Judaism and their intention for crossing over. Yang scored a whopping 38%, which is ironically the same percentage of students who are guaranteed housing after their first year. Still, his previous attempt to construct Munger Hall was such a great, lucrative deal, the Rabbis figured he must have some Jewish chutzpah inside of him. 

For obvious reasons, a Brit Milah was out of the question for Henry, leaving one final step in the conversion process: the Mikveh. Yang felt it was best to conduct this in the campus lagoon, a symbolic home of rebirth and new beginnings. Community member, Maya Kaye, had this to say after witnessing the ordeal: “It’s been burned into the recesses of my brain. I can’t sleep. Please, someone distract me from this waking nightmare.”

While Chancellor Yang is now focusing more of his energy on retirement, the excitement of his conversion hasn’t died. He even filed to legally change his name to Henry Yangawitz in celebration! Jewish conversion is a lengthy and difficult process, but Henry was determined, even in his late age, to be with his chosen people. So, the next time you see Chancellor Yang at Chabad’s Mega Shabbat or a Hillel panel on campus antisemitism, give him a strong ‘mazel tov!’