Birthday of the Trees

Hey there, wandering Jews! This February, we celebrated Tu B’Shevat, birthday of the trees. In honor of this, here is a traveler’s guide to some spots just a few hours away from SB, and suggestions to further improve them! 

Joshua Tree National Park 

Along with thousands of Joshua trees, this desert destination features boulders in the shapes of skulls, hearts, arches, and more. This is a climber’s paradise and a stargazer’s dream… but the park is severely unorganized. Whoever stacked those rocks did not do a very good job, as they are jumbled all over the place. Those alien-looking trees need some serious grooming as well. This Joshua guy needs to get it together!

Annie’s Canyon, San Diego 

This colorful slot canyon trail provides ladders for vertical climbs and panoramic ocean views at the top. Less than a mile long, it is perfect for the whole family. Indeed, whole families will be there. Waiting in line to walk through the canyon is like waiting for a Disneyland attraction. Why not make it Mickey’s Canyon? The only thing missing is “It’s a Small World” on repeat and Donald Duck giving high fives. 

Camp Ramah, Ojai

Tucked between orange groves and foothills is a Jewish sleepaway camp! While the outdoor scenery is lovely, the cabins lack interior design and the beds are quite uncomfortable. Hard mattresses mean campers are awake all night, asking staff very personal questions about their love life. Camp Ramah could greatly benefit from an Ikea on its premises. Plus, it could function as the chader ochel if their Swedish meatballs are made kosher. 

Monterey Bay Aquarium

Fish are food, not friends! Sharks are cool, but when we lock eyes we’re both salivating at the mouth. Yellowtails are pretty, but would look even more aesthetic on a sushi platter. Stingrays are just pancakes with eyes, and jellies belong on sliced bread with peanut butter. Yeah, Ivy the otter is cute, but so is a fur coat. The aquarium should make better use of its animals.

Point Lobos, Carmel 

A 6.4 mile loop trail visits turquoise coves, lazy seals, jagged cliffs, and the famous lone cypress tree. This is a very popular trail, so hikers often have to park a 5-10 minute walk away from the trailhead. Everyone is here for ocean views, not the lame forest in the center of the loop. Those trees should be bulldozed, and a multi-story parking complex should be put in its place. 

Calla Lily Valley, Big Sur

More abundant than the elegant, white flowers is the number of influencers with a whole camera crew. Too bad there are backpackers, tourists, and families getting in the way. Maybe this spot should be closed off to the public, so more micro-celebrities can prove they touch grass.

Point Sur

Atop a cliff jetting out into the ocean is the iconic Point Sur lighthouse. Surrounding this is picturesque farmland. The Big Sur highway has an abundance of cows but a lack of affordable restaurants. This can easily be solved by turning these cows into McPattys and placing America’s favorite fast food chain atop the cliff as well. 

Santa Barbara Channel

Board the Spectre dive boat for an unforgettable scuba experience at the Channel Islands. If you’re lucky, you’ll see some lobsters, starfish, and maybe even a shark! However, if you are exceptionally favored by G-d, your boat will pass by one of Santa Barbara’s stunning oil rigs! The Stop Sable movement has been such a powerful example of social action–why restart a pipeline when we can build another one! It would be great to see more of these impressive platforms out in the ocean. 

Big Bear 

A cute town in the mountains surrounding a gorgeous lake! It is known as the best place to ski in southern California! However, no one from LA can stomach temperatures under 65 degrees. We should be able to enjoy popular winter activities without being cold! All the snow should be plowed and replaced with something plastic and fake like styrofoam. 

Pinnacles National Park 

California’s newest and smallest national park features two cave systems, a majestic reservoir, and of course pinnacles created by years of tectonic activity. Endangered California Condors soar over the park. There are less than 400 of these birds flying free in the wild. This is clearly because they don’t have affordable housing. Pinnacles National Park should build condos for condors, including amenities such as hot water, electricity, and WiFi. 

As Tu B’Shevat has passed and we enter spring, it is prime time to get outside! Hopefully these suggestions make the natural world more accessible, convenient, and appealing. How I love Tikkun Olam!