A Chanukah Miracle

Allen and Maya are colleagues who enjoy exploring nature together. They embarked on a multi-day roadtrip up the northern California coast, southern Oregon, and back down to the make believe dystopia: Fresno. Let’s just say that it’s a Chanukah miracle they survived all eight of those crazy days and nights. Here is their travel guide for a perfectly seamless roadtrip. 

Day 1 - San Francisco

Our Highlight: Twin Peaks

Want to see San Francisco from a bird’s eye view? Drive all the way up to Sutro Tower, which the city of San Francisco claims to be for radio and television (we know better). Take the dirt path up either of the Twin Peaks: hills that provide 360 degree views of the San Francisco skyline. Enjoy the rolling hills, urban sprawl, and iconic landmarks the city has to offer. We suggest going for sunset, to experience colorful skies and the city lights gradually flickering on. Make sure to bring warm clothes and take lots of photos – this spot is absolutely stunning! 

Know what else is stunning? The sight of an unbroken-into car! San Francisco is known for a plethora of colorful activities: grabbing a sweet treat at Ghirardelli, participating in powerful social initiatives – like the Gay Rights movement – and above all else, stealing! That being said, don’t be a silly goose and leave your wallet in the front seat of your car overnight. Nine out of ten times it will get stolen. Fortunately, this was not the case for Maya Kaye, who returned to an unsmashed window and fully stocked wallet the following morning. We’ll call it a Hanukkah miracle!

Other recommendations in San Francisco include: 

• Golden Gate Park: 

  • Where you can awkwardly row a boat with a colleague, gnaw on stale pretzels, and discover whip-its in hidden fairy houses.

• Palace of Fine Arts:

  • You’ve seen pictures! Now, you can take one too, because that’s all there really is to do there.

• Golden Gate Bridge:

  • Pro-tip: You can only walk the bridge during the day. For reasons!

Day 2 - Point Reyes National Seashore

Our Highlight: Alamere Falls 

It’s a waterfall that touches the ocean! This is very exciting! Embark on a 13.6 mile out-and-back trail with sweeping ocean views, lush greenery, and even a few lakes. Try not to step on banana slugs and California newts, as they have a death wish. When you hit a fork in the road, ignore the real path and go down the sketchy one, through a dark tunnel of trees, instead. Risk your life and scramble down a vertical canyon to reach the top of the cascading falls. Bonus points if it starts pouring at this very moment. Now, it’s ALL-amere Falls, because ALL the trail is flooded. 

Wanna ensure a good time? Don’t leave your backpack on the edge of an eroding cliff. Silly Allen, that backpack has your keys and phone in it! Carrying a drenched backpack for sev miles while your phone is on the brink of death is no fun at all, so do yourselves a favor and hold onto all belongings. Also, be prepared for large puddles, which might require you to raw dog the trail for half a mile. Allen, Maya, and Allen’s phone began to function again shortly after, making this their second Hanukkah miracle.

Other recommendations in Point Reyes National Seashore include: 

• Chimney Rock

  • The elephant seals are definitely waving at you! Make some loud noises for them, they love that. 

• Bringing a raincoat when rain is in the forecast

  • It is cold, it is wet, and your mom was right about this one. 

Day 3 - Sonoma

Our Highlight: Islands in the Sky 

If you’re looking for a unique hike, check out the Islands in the Sky Loop trail. You begin an upwards climb under a canopy of redwoods, and are guaranteed to pass many small waterfalls along the way. Eventually, you come to a clearing above the redwood forest and find yourself surrounded by thick grass and rolling hills. On top of each hill is a cluster of trees, or “island in the sky.” On a clear day, you would be able to see the ocean! But this was not a clear day. Then, come to the realization you did not park at the trailhead, but rather, in someone’s backyard. This four mile hike has now become an eight mile adventure. But this is okay, because you’ve got a good attitude and your favorite colleague to keep spirits high.

You may love your favorite colleague, even if he’s bad at reporting wildfires. Travel tip! If it’s smoking and smells like fire, it could be one of two things…

1. A wildfire

2. A passionate act of arson

Unfortunately, Allen was too antsy to wait around for the firefighters to come. Hope the forest is okay! If it is, that would have to make this the third Hanukkah miracle. (It was a bit strange how incessant the fire department guy was that Allen stayed; what the hell would HE be able to do about an active wildfire? We hope that UCSB grad and recently ordained firefighter, Niv Cohen, does a better job than that guy!)

Other recommendations in Sonoma include: 

• Badass Coffee

  • Your favorite colleague wants to reminisce of camp memories by consuming diabetes in a cup. Don’t have a stick up your ass about it, caffeine and sugar is a delicious duo.

• Salt Point State Park

  • Unique rock formations. Unique sideways rain. Didn’t know rain could hurt this bad. Ow. Ow. Ow. Then trek alongside highway 101 in the dead of night to find where you parked. 

Day 4 - Mendocino

Our highlight: Mendocino Headlands Bluffs Trail 

We’re not bluffing about these incredible ocean views! Walk behind the most atrociously priced gas station ($9 a gallon?!) to a dirt trail along some cliffs. Find multiple waterfalls, ocean arches, and crashing waves. You will experience many colors of the ocean, including brown from all the storm runoff, and a breathtaking turquoise that cannot be captured by iPhone. Keep your eyes peeled for sea palm, which looks like miniature palm trees growing on rocks in the water. Once you complete the trail, head back through the charming town and dream of retirement here. 

That is, if you make it to retirement… Allen and Maya nearly didn’t. Caught in torrential downpour, they whipped Allen’s beat-up Honda Civic down the coast, while he was barely able to see five feet ahead of him. Fortunately, nearby drivers were actually decent at driving, making the ride safe and smooth. He only hydroplaned 3 times, and nearly caused 2 major accidents, making this their fourth Hanukkah miracle.

Other recommendations in Mendocino include: 

• Pygmy Forest

  • A must-see for the short king in your life. Being taller than the trees is a real confidence booster. 

• Point Cabrillo Lighthouse

  • Yeah yeah cool gift shop. Gaze longingly upon the roped-off staircase to the top. 

• Russian Gulch State Park

  • It’s a bridge! Neat! 

• Fort Bragg Sea Glass Beach

  • You’re supposed to leave the sea glass, but you take a piece or three anyway because you are a douchebag that hates natural wonders. 

Day 5 - Redwood National and State Parks 

Our Highlight: Enderts Beach 

Visit the Enderts Beach tide pools for a shell of a time! It’s even cooler if you visit during King Tides: the highest and lowest of the year. In extremely negative tides, the ocean reveals tidepools lined with hundreds of starfish! You’re guaranteed to befriend sea anemones, urchins, mussels, and hermit crabs. Unless you step on them. They’ll hate you and be out for revenge. A sea anemone can quickly become a sea anENEMY. Though you are the shining star in his life, your favorite colleague still feels the need to pet 69 starfish. Allen is very proud of himself! 

Allen was not proud of himself, however, after accidentally booking a 1-star motel full of crack addicts. B’’H for the broken shower, lack of bed sheets, and strong smell of mold. These circumstances kept Allen and Maya cozy, as a man was physically assaulted outside of their room. Travel tip! When a motel provides you with 3+ locks for your door, it’s out of necessity, not aesthetic! The following morning, Allen handed his keys to a random woman, who may not have even worked for the motel. Surviving that night remains their fifth Hanukkah miracle.

Other recommendations in Redwood include: 

• Trillium Falls

  • Stand inside a tree with many spiders. Cross a troll bridge with many spiders. 

• Fern Canyon

  • Bring water shoes to traverse a stream between two canyon walls lined with lush ferns. Bring water shoes. Did you know that some scenes in Jurassic Park were shot here? We highly recommend bringing water shoes.  

• Gold Bluffs Beach

  • It’s actually a black sand beach, not a gold sand beach. And there’s no bluffs. 

• Klamath River Overlook

  • Walk half a mile through thorn bushes for a slightly better view than what you get at the parking lot. 

• Trees of Mystery 

  • Come for an epic photoshoot with the giant lumberjack raising his right hand in a very questionable way and the derpy-looking blue bull with big big big big balls.

Day 6 - Southern Oregon 

Our Highlight: Blue Grotto

Turquoise rocks and a hidden cove, but it’s quite the journey to get there. Instead of parking close, park a mile away on the side of the highway. Want to walk alongside Lost Creek Lake? Too bad! You get the highway. You will reach a trail, and it is not the Blue Grotto Trail. This is okay, because a man named Bobcat wrote a very detailed online guide on how to find it. Thank you Bobcat. After stunning lake views (finally) and crossing three awesome bridges, you will find a sign pointing to Blue Grotto. Bravely cross a stream and take cute photos with your favorite colleague behind the waterfall. This is a really unique place that not a lot of people know about. 

What people also might not know is how ill equipped Honda Civics are for the snow. Travel tip! If you have chains for your tires, put them on, as they’re more useful on the tires than sitting in your trunk! Maya had the exhilarating task of rerouting fifteen million times and watching for oncoming cars, as Allen pulled numerous 10-point U-turns. She even had a raging migraine! How she didn’t strangle him at this point in the trip was their sixth Hanukkah miracle. 

Other recommendations along Highway 62 include: 

• Mill Creek Falls

  • An awesome waterfall less than a quarter mile from the highway! Since it's such a short trail, add an extra challenge by going in your flip flops! 

• Long Pants

  • Wear pants and socks that cover your ankles. If you are covering your ankles, cover them more. Poison oak is bad. Maya would rather contact her favorite colleague, NOT dermatitis! 

Day 7 - Rogue-Umpqua Scenic Byway

Our Highlight: Watson Falls

Gasp in awe at the 272-foot-tall Watson Falls, the third tallest waterfall in all of Oregon. This is one of the most astonishing stops on the Rogue-Umpqua Scenic Byway. A short trail will lead you from the parking lot and across a bridge to an amazing viewpoint next to the waterfall. Watson Falls is so tall that the water disperses into mist before touching the stream below. You may become so mesmerized, you fall into a trance while getting drenched by the mist and inconveniently timed rain. Your favorite colleague will remind you that none of this is real. 

Guess what else isn’t real? Allen’s splash shield. At least, not after he dragged it through the snow for 100 miles straight. Not like his car was hydroplaning every five seconds and it was getting dark out; that wouldn’t be fun. Fortunately, the contact high from the crack house they stayed at nights before was doing wonders, allowing them to safely arrive in Shasta later that night. Travel tip! Crack keeps you alert! Must’ve been their sevth Hanukkah miracle.

Other recommendations near the Rogue-Umpqua Scenic Byway include:

• Susan Creek Falls

  • Bet you can’t make it to the falls and back in fifteen minutes! 

• Fall Creek Falls

  • Really cool trail and waterfall, but redundant name. 

• Toketee Falls

  • Stunning blue falls! Very cool wooden water pipe spewing water in every direction near the parking lot. Free car wash!  

• Crater Lake National Park Visitor Center

  • We had the park to ourselves this time of year! Also, none of it was accessible. 

Day 8 - Shasta 

Our Highlight: Pluto’s Cave

This cave system near Mount Shasta is out of this world! Take a short walk through an open field and DON’T FALL INTO THE GIANT HOLE! Take the easiest descending path and try not to breathe in the stench of bat shit. Even if you’re batshit crazy, you will still dislike the smell. Enjoy the modern art (graffiti that’s 95% profanity) and enter without a flashlight. After stumbling over rocks, you find yourself trekking on sand and approaching a hole above, delicately pouring in sunlight. You then make it to the end of this cave, and find another one that is completely pitch black. After walking a few yards in without a proper flashlight, you abort this mission, as you won’t be able to see anything. Pluto’s Cave is really cool for people who enjoy caves. 

People do not, however, enjoy Highway 99. On their way to the mythical land of Fresno, they encountered the American dream: fields of genetically modified cows and factories fueling the military industrial complex. Travel tip! Always keep a Yerb on hand, in case you need to throw it at someone provoking you while getting gas. Highway 99 was also home to the same three billboards, over and over again, but making it to the Madera exit would mark their eighth, and final, Hanukkah miracle.

Other recommendations near Shasta include:

• Weed

  • Say high to the town of Weed, CA! 

• Lake Siskiyou

  • Gorgeous lake surrounded by snow-capped mountains, including Mount Shasta! Try not to slip and fall on patches of snow. 

• Hedge Creek Falls

  • Your favorite colleague, that you’re a little bit in love with, insists on walking behind yet another waterfall. You say yes, and she is very happy. 

• Lake Shasta

  • A beautiful lake surrounded by an even more beautiful highway. There’s nothing more stunning than those asphalt lanes!

Time for Fresno! Known for air pollution, drug abuse, and gang violence. Bye, Maya! See you on the next adventure!